That'll Help With The Burns

Sometimes the Gregalogue just has to be posted verbatim.

TUESDAY'S GREGALOGUE: A NEW ALERT SYSTEM!

So apparently the Obama administration will be announcing a review of our terror alert system put in place by George W. Bush after 9/11. You know the thing: it`s made up of five delightful colors designating increasing levels of risk: green, blue, yellow, orange and red. But many people -not just Democrats - think it`s time for a reevaluation. And I couldn`t agree more!

But if we get a new system, I think it should incorporate Obama`s own philosophy on terror, which he espoused in the debates prior to the election. He had stated that we should bear in mind the root causes behind terrorist behavior. And, with this sensitivity in mind, I believe the system of colors - which reeks of racism, anyway – should be replaced by levels of indignation.

Instead of "green" for example, let`s have a "hate" level. Generally this is how our enemies feel about us all the time. And rightfully so. So when you`re at JFK, at least you`ll know someone out there cares. It`s nothing to be really worried about, but it`s probably something you should examine when you get home. Ask yourself:

How can you alleviate their hatred toward you?

What have you done to cause it?

It`s really up to you, and your own innate prejudices.

The next level is "fury." This means that you`ve really pissed some people off. Once the alert system hits this level, I would consider a mass apology written by all airline passengers to the appropriate offended group. Ideally, this should be done before take off. A small gift, along with a note, might not be out of the question.

The next alert level? "Rage." This is a very serious stage – one that could have been avoided if only you had apologized sooner, and perhaps disavowed your stupid country and/or silly religious status. Immediate grounding of flights (to be replaced by some sort of large scale encounter group) might be an option. Deepak Chopra should be called in immediately to handle all negotiations. Of course, this would involve enrolling in one of his rejuvenation therapy weekends, which costs four grand per person. But it`s worth it, just to see him in the caftan.

Finally, if an actual human-caused disaster takes place, simply remember that it`s your fault. If you are lucky enough to survive, I would suggest picking up Chopra`s "the Magic of Healing" CD. It`s only 24.95. Here Dr. Chopra gives "contemporary expression to the ancient principles of healing sounds." That`ll help with the burns.